Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him, you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man who is emotionally unavailable (Mr Unavailable), it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they blow hot and cold?
They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.
They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.
They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl...
They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’ll also fake a future to get what they want.
They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option.
And occasionally, they are so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of them...But that is a rarity and their behaviour shows that they have issues that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundations of your relationship!
Because they blow hot, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them stop.
Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that they’re capable of blowing hot.
Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behaviour.
If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke warm or cold as ice…
Remember that the survival of your relationship is dependent on consistencies. Don’t make the mistake of translating ‘he blows hot and cold’ into drama. Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently. Don’t be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth.
The Status Quo which explains how these guys use blowing hot and cold to manage your expectations and keep the relationship in their comfort zone and you fall in sync by creating drama.
The Status Quo: A Quick lesson in the dynamics of dramaImagine your relationship on a scale of ONE to TEN.
Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable men) like to keep the relationship in the comfort zone of Magic Number FIVE.
His blowing hot and cold is about managing down your expectations of him and the relationship, but it is also about bringing the relationship back to FIVE – The Status Quo.
Now, we all know that we want a relationship that is a ten (or as close as possible) so much of our relationships are about getting him to change or revert back to the wonderful guy he was in the beginning, because if he does, we believe that we will get close to magic number ten.
So how the hell does this all work?
At the beginning, Mr Unavailable blows hot to reel you in. At times you will feel like you approaching the holy grail of ten.
Then the novelty will wear off for him, he’ll think you’re getting too close or that you want too much, so he starts blowing cold and lukewarm to bring the temperature of the relationship to Magic Number FIVE. He is now managing down your expectations so that you learn what you will be getting from him.
You, being the ‘Accidental Drama Seeker’ and Fallback Girl that you are, will be forced to come out of the hazy glow of the new relationship and all of his charm, and you’ll be brought back to earth with a thud.
You will either pull some serious drama that will take it below five or you will throw just enough drama into the mix to force him to blow hot again and take things a couple of notches above FIVE.
But remember, ‘Accidental’ Drama Seekers are always scared. You don’t trust it when it’s good so you’ll sometimes act up a bit just to prove he’s the assclown that he is, which pushes the relationship below 5.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, he panics.
When it gets below Magic Number FIVE, you’re in you’re drama seeking comfort zone. YOUR Status Quo.
Say what! Yes, that is the case. It’s what you know! It’s also what you think that you deserve.
Of course, when things go below Magic Number FIVE:
He either blows lukewarm by saying just enough to re-establish The Status Quo and gets it back to Magic Number FIVE.
He’ll blow hot to take things above Magic Number FIVE and buy himself some peace and quiet for a while. And then blow a little cold or lukewarm to ease you back to Magic Number FIVE.
When it is above Magic Number FIVE, you are likely to be suspicious and to be fair, despite your penchant for drama, you actually have good reason. You know the drill. You know the score. You know the pattern.
You know he’ll say just enough doo doo to shut you up for a bit and then it’ll be back to same sh*t, different week. Throw in the fact that you’re a Drama Seeker and hey presto, you create some drama which drags it back to Magic Number FIVE or below, anyway. Of course, you also know how to create drama to bring it back to The Status Quo or above.
Mr Unavailable’s tend to blow their hottest at the beginning or when they believe that they are in serious danger of losing you. After a while, when he realises that you love a bit of drama, he gives you just enough to feed the cookie monster but will rarely blow superhot again as he knows you’re not going anywhere (or at least that’s what he believes till I came along to throw a monkey wrench in the works!)
That my peeps, is drama in its most basic terms. He uses blowing and hot and cold to manage you and facilitate The Status Quo and you use drama to move the relationship up and down the scale and you also inadvertently feed into his agenda. You use drama to create the relationship that you think you deserve.